PLAY THE PART, SUFFER LATER

It's been almost a year since my first mortifying theatrical performance. I was offered the role by my father when a cousin of mine started circulating the scurrilous rumor that I am what the role is. Suffice it to say that my parents were alarmed by such rumor. So they looked for the perfect actress to play opposite me.

When everything was set, i never got the chance to fully explain my reluctance. But it's tradition and I thought fixed marriage is something i can easily dodge. But things got worse than I thought.

The marriage was never consummated for obvious reasons. Now it's almost torn apart. My father is exerting so much pressure on me either to divorce her or discharge my so-called marital obligations. It's not like he's giving me options here when the truth of the matter is, he wants me to follow what he thinks is "proper."

I know what I should do. I know the risk I am taking. He cannot accept me for what I am and so I have to move out after the divorce.

The biggest problem I am facing really is my personal relationship with God. I know I am mad but He is the one I need the most.

THE UNBEARABLE BURDENS

My earliest memory as far as my sexuality is concerned can be traced way back when i was a 4th grader. I am 29 years old and i still don't understand the reason/s for my circumstances.

I was born in an utterly conservative Muslim family. As a kid, i was told that our religion forbids homosexuality. All my life, i spent every day that passed wondering what am I. Up to this day, i am still confused. I became agnostic (i'm not sure though) because I can't accept the fact that God made me what I am but I am forbidden to express how I feel otherwise i will be damned in hell. What kind of a God is that?

To those with deeply seated religious principles, pardon my flared up emotions.

Some people say it is a matter of choice. But hey, it's not like i woke up and i suddenly had the urge to be what i am and be perpetually miserable.

I've been depressed for the longest time. I thought depression is just a normal emotional state until the effects started to manifest physically, mentally, psychologically, socially and spiritually. I don't know if I have a suicidal tendency but the thought of death always recurs on my mind.

After all the questions and angst i have with God, i want to believe that He understands how painful my life went through and still going through.

You may say that people who take their own lives burn in hell but you don't know what's on God's mind when He sees how some people suffer unbearable burdens.