My earliest memory as far as my sexuality is concerned can be traced way back when i was a 4th grader. I am 29 years old and i still don't understand the reason/s for my circumstances.
I was born in an utterly conservative Muslim family. As a kid, i was told that our religion forbids homosexuality. All my life, i spent every day that passed wondering what am I. Up to this day, i am still confused. I became agnostic (i'm not sure though) because I can't accept the fact that God made me what I am but I am forbidden to express how I feel otherwise i will be damned in hell. What kind of a God is that?
To those with deeply seated religious principles, pardon my flared up emotions.
Some people say it is a matter of choice. But hey, it's not like i woke up and i suddenly had the urge to be what i am and be perpetually miserable.
I've been depressed for the longest time. I thought depression is just a normal emotional state until the effects started to manifest physically, mentally, psychologically, socially and spiritually. I don't know if I have a suicidal tendency but the thought of death always recurs on my mind.
After all the questions and angst i have with God, i want to believe that He understands how painful my life went through and still going through.
You may say that people who take their own lives burn in hell but you don't know what's on God's mind when He sees how some people suffer unbearable burdens.
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we are made for a purpose..there are times that we have to go out of our way to find it.
ReplyDeleteHamtaro Speaks